Er zijn fases in het huwelijk die zo moeilijk zijn, dat scheiding nog de enige vorm van bevrijding lijkt. Maar, als puntje bij paaltje komt, schrikt menig partner terug om op te stappen.
Ook logisch, vooral als het om het belang van de kinderen gaat. Het opbreken van het gezinsverband is een ingrijpende beslissing, die geen van beide partners op zijn geweten wil hebben. Bovendien voelt de keuze om weg te gaan als een laffe vlucht, die een oplossing voor het huwelijksprobleem alleen maar ondermijnt. Maar, dat is alleen maar ‘het gevoel'. In werkelijkheid kan de keuze om op te stappen juist heel verstandig zijn.En dan heb ik geen scheiding voor ogen die bedoeld is om een einde te maken aan het huwelijk, maar een scheiding die er nadrukkelijk op gericht is de verhouding weer vlot te trekken. Het advies om afstand te nemen om weer tot elkaar te komen, geef ik vaak aan mensen die ervaren dat zij in de relatie de onderliggende partij zijn. Zij voelen zich miskend, moeten het laatste woord altijd aan de ander laten en kunnen geen vuist maken als het gaat om wat zij als wezenlijk ervaren in de relatie. Vrouw of man, het gaat altijd om iemand die juist de meeste angst voelt om zijn partner te verliezen, waardoor die persoon in de relatie veel te veel terrein (en dus van zichzelf) heeft moet prijsgeven. Dit maakt dat de partner van de angsthaas zich nergens druk over hoeft te maken en de aanwezigheid van de ander meestal als vanzelfsprekend neemt. Tegelijkertijd is dit nu juist de houding die door de onderliggende partij als krenkend wordt ervaren. En dat betekent een patstelling in de verhouding: de één heeft de macht die als prettig en normaal wordt ervaren, terwijl de ander onmachtig is, en zich daardoor steeds ongelukkiger voelt. Wie vanuit zijn positie van onmacht toch een daad weet te stellen door weg te gaan, zal daarmee in één klap de bestaande machtsverhouding doorbreken. De schrik zit er dan meestal ook goed in voor degene die wordt verlaten, vooral omdat dit wel het laatste was wat hij had verwacht.En dat is mooi. Want, nu kan het proces van onderhandelen beginnen, onder het motto ‘ik kom pas terug als je me eindelijk serieus neemt'. Natuurlijk kan dit proces twee kanten opgaan: de bovenliggende partij weigert om iets van zijn macht in te leveren, of hij kiest eieren voor zijn geld en komt zijn partner wel tegemoet. Wat er ook gebeurt, één kwestie wordt glashelder, namelijk hoeveel de verlaten partner over heeft om het huwelijk te redden. Komt er niets, dan was het niets. Komt er iets, dan was het weggaan niet voor niets.
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